Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
My Christmas presents for my husband never work out. Last year I got him a piece of art the artist couldn't finish, a book he didn't want to read, and pajamas that chaffed his nipples.
This year, whenever I ask him what he wants he tells me "blank CDs" or "socks". Wow, exciting!
And while I'm handing him blank CDs he'll be showering me with original paintings and luxury trips.
My biggest hits for him at Christmas have been a keychain flash drive and a nose hair clipper.
It scares me to even think about topping those.
Yesterday I bought this cinnamon from a company that donates money to homeless kids and it sucks. It tastes like I'm sucking on bark. I'm offended. Not only do homeless children deserve better, so does my hot chocolate.
Now I have to feel bad about not liking it, and guilty every I go to the store and don't buy that brand.
All in all I think this cinnamon has done more to hurt the cause of homeless children that to help it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The video you've all been waiting for (right?) is finally here! Woo!
Watch it and vote for it on Funny or Die.
I call it - "What happens when Dan goes to the Chateau Marmont and leaves me home."
Please spread it around,
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Lord knows, no matter how careful I am, I always get poo on my shoes at the dog park. And sure you can clean it off, but they never really smell the same again. I'll call it the "Poo Shoo".
Call me crazy but I'm gonna suggest you buy the Steve Madddens and invest the remaining $580, say in an awesome place to were them, or even retirement.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The one on left is Chanel and they go for $795.00. The one on the right is from Delia's and they go for a whole decimal point less = $79.50.
Looking good is great but looking good with money in the bank is 100% better. Remember, you can look good and save too.
These are diamonds for girls who love the glittering sidewalks of downtown, who feel the touch of the fog on their faces like soft kisses, who love even the shadow of big-city ruin that licks at the heels of their Louboutins. These are jewels for a queen with a punk rock soul.
Roberta Ann Weisenburg makes these from glass she gathered from a shattered Muni Bus Stop. I just bought one of these pieces. It is so beautiful. It takes my breath away. They are city girl prices too ($200 - $1200).
Get yours here: Urban Ice
Dior, of course, sigh. Lose your soul to them at NeimanMarcus, I'm a size 6, just fyi.
ANd, how fabby would they be with this outfit, okay maybe a bit clashy but why not just go for it when you're going for pink.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Ahh that makes me feel sooooo much better. Now, scroll yee on up to the next challenge.
Once again we test the claim that one can tell a man's sexual orientation by his shoes.
Friday, October 10, 2008
The right to learn anything we want is a basic element to our freedom and yet Americans move to restrict this right more and more every year. I have nothing against Creationists, only against their desire to keep people ignorant about other possibilities such as Evolution. The moment the knowledge to which we can be exposed is limited, we are no longer free.
Some friends of mine were all up in arms because Madonna expressed some sort of political opinion at here concert and said they thought she shouldn't be able to do that at her concert. This disturbed me. That she has the right to publicly express her views and that we have the right to publicly be pissed about it, is the very key to Liberty American Style.
Silence one and you silence all.
I read about it in Watchtime magazine. A magazine about watches where Swiss guys passionately argue the smallest details of watch making and design (swoon). They also review cigars, pens, and liquors. Did I ever tell you I have this thing about pens? Well anyway. Watchtime liked Blue Ice so I tried it.
I like it! I'd drink it even if it wasn't made in Idaho, potato capital of the ole USA. Hell the way things are going we might as well buy American, no one else is. Blue Ice also sponser's SF Ballet and lord know they need the help.
The bottle is kind of ugly but it was designed by some design company in Michigan, and hey I'd MUCH rather be offended than bored.
Vodka cures what ails me. I haven't slept in years and all the medicine doctors prescribe for me gives me horrible nightmares where I'm slowly turning into hamburger, vodka is a much less conscious sleep.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I will not bow to your stereotypical assumptions! For now, at least.
Again we test the claim that one can tell a man's sexual orientation by his shoes.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The majority was CORRECT once again! 88% of poll takers thought that this man's shoes indicated a brotherly, non-romantic love for other men. Hooray for friendship!
Porn or Not Porn Results:
The majority was correct again! Only 41% of you are in denial about this "statue" being obvious dirty, filthy porn.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The majority was CORRECT. 77% of you thought the shoes indicated that our man loves other men in a romantic way. He does! YAY FOR LOVE!!!
Chanels, Diors, or Palm Springs Results!
Hot Damn, I'm goin' to Palm Springs! Yeeeeehawww
Sorry honey. It's what America wants.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Each week I'll post a picture of a man's shoes. Everyone votes and, the next week, I'll post whether the majority was correct or incorrect.
Let the games begin!
Man Shoes #1
Beware. There are some cute shoes in the Chanel Fall/Winter collection, the collection out now, but holy shinoly the toe boxes on these shoes are tiny!
I have small toes, too small to wear many open-toed designs (my toes don’t show so it looks like I’ve had them amputated), but the new Chanel shoes cramp my toes together so much that they have to bunch up on one another and roll under.
I asked about it at the Chanel Boutique and they said that they largely design for a Japanese Market. Do Japanese people really have smaller toes? Sounds a bit presumptions to me.
Monday, June 9, 2008
I love peep-toe pumps. I love my toes and I love cheese, but I do not love when my lunch spills on my peep-toe pumps and I get parmesan cheese between my toes.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
When the heat hits San Francisco, two of my favorite street styles appear.
One is the woman wearing a sun dress, who looks uncomfortable, and sort of stunned, about her unusual level of public nakedness.
It makes sense. I too own a sun dress that sits in my closet waiting for the one hot day in SF., but when that day comes I just can't stand to be that physically exposed. So I leave it in the closet and wear my normal clothes which are way too hot. Which leads to my absolute favorite SF hot day style.
Look in any park or on any quarter sized tuft of grass and you'll see people lying around with their jeans rolled up into shorts and their tops bunched up into half shirts. My husband, who comes from a place with actual summers, deemed this look The San Francisco Bikini. He thinks it's dumb, "why don't they just by shorts?"
But I think it's a style we SFers should wear proudly. It's the spontaneous expression of people who feel summer heat so rarely that they'll bunch up their clothes and plop down on bum piss covered grass just to get a piece of it. That kind of gumption should only be admired.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
In my heart I imagine a group of drunken scrap-partydress clad ladies terrorizing our lovely town.
To which I reply "RIGHT ON!"
Currently I'm carrying my clear bag filled with empty pill capsules that I bought online. There is nothing as glamorous as trying to dig your lipstick out of a pile of pills. Nothing. Just think of it, when you're looking for your lipstick you can have bystanders hold fists full of your pills while you search. What better way to make friends?
When I get tired of the pills I'm going to fill it with tampons.
Then maybe empty prescripton bottles or orange ear plugs? Condoms? M&Ms? The possibilities are endless.
As I pass he chirps "I'm married!" so I walk faster then he shouts "But I'm also a cross dresser and those are the best boots I've ever seen in my life!" I stopped in my tracks, turned around and blew him a kiss.
You know you look hot when the cross dressers appreciate your outfit. They usually had to dream about it for a long time before they could bust out and go with it. God love 'em.
Society wants to make me feel bad about sleeping all the time. Apparently I'm supposed to feel lazy (which for some reason has a negative connotation) because I go to bed at 10p.m., don't get up until 11:30a.m. and nap from 4 to 7p.m.
Why? you ask. Why do they care? I'll tell you why. It's because sleep is the last untouched wilderness of Freedom. They can tax tobacco, illegalize drugs, and throw you in jail for drinking booze but there is nothing they can do to regulate your sleep.
Oh but they try. Making everything so expensive that we have to work all the time, waking up early and going to bed late, is nothing more than an attempt to control our sleep. Still though, there is no direct route they can take to regulate it.
Why is sleep so threatening? Think of this: if you had to choose between supporting the current government and being able to sleep which would you choose? See?
Also, sleep keeps me from contributing to money transfers that are essential to funding our current society.
1. When I'm sleeping I'm not eating. So I'm dieting without the aid of diet programs, pills, or professionals.
2. I age slower because I'm conscious less often. Hence I'm not getting plastic surgery or buying anti-aging products.
3. It brings me closer to my dream of dying peacefully in my sleep (let me explain the logic here: if you want to die in a clown suit wear the clown suit a lot). If I die peacefully in my sleep they're going to miss out on all the money I'd have to spend on doctors, medicine and hospitalization.
You see, when I sleep I don't just do it for my own benefit, I do it for Freedom. Feel free to thank me between 12 and 3p.m., when I'm awake.
I bought a pair of rad shoes off of ebay express. Shoes I had wanted forever but was too cheap to buy full price, plus I figure if I don't buy something and still want it in 6 months it must be a classic that will last. All the stuff I think will be out of style in a month, I buy immediately at full price because, as noted before, I'm smart.
More proof. So I got the shoes and opened them up and took one out to try it on. Needless to say it looked hot. Then I got into a cleaning frenzy, because I had done A LOT of online shopping lately and there were empty boxes all over the living room. So I started breaking all of them down to shove them into the recycling chute, we live on the 5th floor.
Breaking down boxes is boring, so I thought I'd beat the system by just ripping my address off of the boxes and throwing them whole down the shoot. I felt so smart and cool, and my place looked less like a garbage dump, a little.
A few hours later I'm getting ready to go out and I decide to wear my sweet new shoes. Um, but I can only find one. Then I realized I had tossed the other one out in the box down the recycling chute. I ran down to the basement but the bin had already been emptied.
Now I have one shoe and a lesson to remind me that in cheating the gods of recycling, we're really only cheating ourselves, or maybe that I'm just lame.
I never blew anybody worthwhile. I realized this yesterday. My friend's novel is being submitted to a literary agent by a girl who's sure the agent will read it, because she's blown him. There’s no one I can say that about.
You know, as a young lady, you try to pick out the ones who are going to be somebody, like guys in bands, popular guys, the handsome ones, the ones who are good at sports. But I came up wrong across the board. Not one of them amounted to anything worthwhile to me. And we're in our 40s now so they've had plenty of time. Sure there are a few lawyers here and there, but no one who could do me any good. No agents, no one who could fund a startup or bankroll a fashion line, no one famous and certainly no one who could get my novel published, or even read.
And what really sucks is that all my life I've secretly been in love with the lanky, backpack toting, science nerds. I'd go to my classes early if Physics, or something sciencey, was the class before mine. I'd swoon over the nerds as they shuffled out of the classroom, their corduroy pants making that "zuh zuh" noise as they went by. Watching them gave me a feeling that I could only describe as "thrilling". I thought it was the attraction/repulsion thing but dammit, now I know it was the animal nose of my ambition telling me that's who I should blow.
The geeks I secretly adored, and yet would only be friends with, have become CEOs, Hollywood producers, computer geniuses, and plastic surgeons. Most of them are already financially independent. They're jetting around the world, making the deals that mean something. While the recipients of my blowing efforts are providing shitty service at Kinko's.
If there is one thing I could do for my life, one thing that would make all of my efforts fruitful, all the humiliation and unpleasantness worth something, I'd go back in time and I would blow those nerds.
Friday, April 25, 2008
I've always had curly hair and I've spent my life battling it. Then I saw Goldfrapp with this hairdo and I had a revelation. The time and money I waste trying to fight my natural hair is just stupid, it's time to embrace it and go for the gusto.
I'm becoming more and more anti people trying to go against their natural looks, so hell if I'm going to do it myself. It's a sad waste of nature's extravagance.
Take any man-made structure and compare it to the beauty and innovation of nature's creations. Man-made stuff fails miserably, even the most innovative and creative man-made structures are just attempts at a closer imitation of nature.
So if we wrestle our bodies into some manmade idea of what we should look like, we castrate our innate beauty. And yet that's exactly what we do, we spend our time and money trying to battle the attributes we're given by nature itself, like my friend who hides her amazing booty, or my sister blowdries the curl out of her hair every day.
I know it benefits lots of people for us to spend time and money trying to change our physical appearance and that we're under a constant marketing onslaught because of this.
But we're much stronger than that, if only because we have nature and truth on our side.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I swear it tastes just like the orange flavored chewable children's aspirin of my youth. The taste brings memories of being taken care of, flooding back. And just like the aspirin, it makes me feel better.
What could be more Batshit Glam than to go about your day in a perpetually transforming dress?
Monday, April 14, 2008
And it's in plain view on the street in Chinatown. Where children can see it.
It reminds me of my early days of drinking, this particular time I learned that Creme de Menthe is not to be chugged.
Friday, April 11, 2008
For instance, once when I was really hungry and all I had in the house was potatoes, but I was too lazy to go to the store and too hungry to wait the time it takes to boil a potato, I invented the recipe for Quick Potatoes, and here I give it to you for free:
1. Put the potatoes in water.
2. Boil them until you can't stand it anymore.
3. Take them out of the water and cut off any part of the potato that has cooked.
4. Eat 'em up.
Also, my laziness has directly contributed to exciting innovations in the area of new cocktail recipes. Because I don't really leave the house, I'm usually short on mixers. Though I always somehow seem to have vodka around. So recently when guests stopped by and all I had on hand, besides vodka, was Lipton's canned iced tea, I broke through the conventions of cocktails that have come before and invented a new drink called the "Trailer Trash Toddy". That the drink sucked only added to the authenticity of my invention because one of the guests confirmed that living in a trailer also sucked. And, yet another time, I discovered that if you don't have Lipton's canned iced tea on hand, Mountain Dew and vodka sucks too.
But I would have to say that my regularly bad-mouthed lifestyle has contributed most to humanity in the area of safety. Because of my courage to follow a less common path, we all now know that if you're out of shaving cream, and are too lazy to go to the store, you should NOT try to shave your legs with sex lube. It sounds like a perfectly good idea, but it isn't. The razor burn is severe and it turns into a thick scab that prevents you from wearing skirts or shorts for weeks.
So next time you catch yourself looking down on the lazy, stop and be thankful that some of us are brave enough to move beyond the lemming's path of false productivity.
I got this little number at Elizbabeth Charles on Fillmore St. Elizabeth herself picked it out for me. She is sooooo good! The dress is rather mini so I wear shorts under it, they're dolphin shorts with VEGAS written across the butt in rhinestones. hot
Of course I got lipstick all over it the first day. I just can't handle the responsibility of light colored clothing.
Once I was looking at a straw bag at Kate Spade but when I found out it was untreated (unprotected from stains), I told the sales girl I'd ruin it with coffee spills within minutes of owning it. She suggested I not drink coffee when I carried the purse. I suggested she get real.