Cutest Eating with the Mouth Open, Ever!

Carol eats treats just for your pleasure. Lord she's so giving.

Summer Shoe Hazards

I love peep-toe pumps. I love my toes and I love cheese, but I do not love when my lunch spills on my peep-toe pumps and I get parmesan cheese between my toes.

Mastering the Clear Bag

My friends say to me "Babe, I love those clear bags but I can't carry one because everyone will see the embarrassing stuff I carry".

To which I reply "RIGHT ON!"

Currently I'm carrying my clear bag filled with empty pill capsules that I bought online. There is nothing as glamorous as trying to dig your lipstick out of a pile of pills. Nothing. Just think of it, when you're looking for your lipstick you can have bystanders hold fists full of your pills while you search. What better way to make friends?

When I get tired of the pills I'm going to fill it with tampons.

Then maybe empty prescripton bottles or orange ear plugs? Condoms? M&Ms? The possibilities are endless.

Not so Smart

I bought a pair of rad shoes off of ebay express. Shoes I had wanted forever but was too cheap to buy full price, plus I figure if I don't buy something and still want it in 6 months it must be a classic that will last. All the stuff I think will be out of style in a month, I buy immediately at full price because, as noted before, I'm smart.

More proof. So I got the shoes and opened them up and took one out to try it on. Needless to say it looked hot. Then I got into a cleaning frenzy, because I had done A LOT of online shopping lately and there were empty boxes all over the living room. So I started breaking all of them down to shove them into the recycling chute, we live on the 5th floor.

Breaking down boxes is boring, so I thought I'd beat the system by just ripping my address off of the boxes and throwing them whole down the shoot. I felt so smart and cool, and my place looked less like a garbage dump, a little.

A few hours later I'm getting ready to go out and I decide to wear my sweet new shoes. Um, but I can only find one. Then I realized I had tossed the other one out in the box down the recycling chute. I ran down to the basement but the bin had already been emptied.

Now I have one shoe and a lesson to remind me that in cheating the gods of recycling, we're really only cheating ourselves, or maybe that I'm just lame.

Blown Opportunities

I never blew anybody worthwhile. I realized this yesterday. My friend's novel is being submitted to a literary agent by a girl who's sure the agent will read it, because she's blown him. There’s no one I can say that about.

You know, as a young lady, you try to pick out the ones who are going to be somebody, like guys in bands, popular guys, the handsome ones, the ones who are good at sports. But I came up wrong across the board. Not one of them amounted to anything worthwhile to me. And we're in our 40s now so they've had plenty of time. Sure there are a few lawyers here and there, but no one who could do me any good. No agents, no one who could fund a startup or bankroll a fashion line, no one famous and certainly no one who could get my novel published, or even read.

And what really sucks is that all my life I've secretly been in love with the lanky, backpack toting, science nerds. I'd go to my classes early if Physics, or something sciencey, was the class before mine. I'd swoon over the nerds as they shuffled out of the classroom, their corduroy pants making that "zuh zuh" noise as they went by. Watching them gave me a feeling that I could only describe as "thrilling". I thought it was the attraction/repulsion thing but dammit, now I know it was the animal nose of my ambition telling me that's who I should blow.

The geeks I secretly adored, and yet would only be friends with, have become CEOs, Hollywood producers, computer geniuses, and plastic surgeons. Most of them are already financially independent. They're jetting around the world, making the deals that mean something. While the recipients of my blowing efforts are providing shitty service at Kinko's.

If there is one thing I could do for my life, one thing that would make all of my efforts fruitful, all the humiliation and unpleasantness worth something, I'd go back in time and I would blow those nerds.

Batshit Glam Grocery List

Today my shopping list consists of arch supports and a daily pill organizer.
Granted the supports are for some Manolo's and the pills are vitamins but still. Kind of sad

Batshit Glam Shades

Behold my new Batshit Glam style accessory. The Balenciaga Round-Lens Degrade Sunglasses.

Perfect shades for the glamour that makes you go "huh?"

Batshit Glamorous Style

Recently I haven't been satisfied with an outfit unless I add a new element to it. I like to call it the "unexpected element".

Today my outfit was perfect.

A navy cashmere sweater - giving me classic elegance
A bright purple pencil skirt - for the always important glamour
and
Intentionally crooked lipstick - to give my look that indispensable feeling of batshit crazy.

I'm calling my new style "Batshit Glamorous". And I expect it to spread.

Batshit Glam can be anything from going out perfectly dressed but with your zipper undone to flesh colored socks with tennis shoes. Just so long as it makes spectators ponder your sanity.

It's just like how I drive. If I'm in a sticky situation, like trying to merge when no one will let me, I start swerving a lot so that people give me more room, the kind of room you'd want to give to someone who's nuts.

When one of my idols, Darla, a producer on Monsters Inc., went to the movie premier, she wore a beautiful gown with a sock stuck to her back, as a tribute to the movie. She thought it was amazing but the rest of the people on the red carpet were mortified for her. Now that's Batshit Glam!

Really it's the next step in beauty, we've all mastered the craft so now it's time to take it up a notch.

Currently I'm investing in alarming vingage hats, mounted animal head jewelry and a Dali-esque mustache.