Sleep - Freedom's Last Virgin Wilderness

Society wants to make me feel bad about sleeping all the time. Apparently I'm supposed to feel lazy (which for some reason has a negative connotation) because I go to bed at 10p.m., don't get up until 11:30a.m. and nap from 4 to 7p.m.

Why? you ask. Why do they care? I'll tell you why. It's because sleep is the last untouched wilderness of Freedom. They can tax tobacco, illegalize drugs, and throw you in jail for drinking booze but there is nothing they can do to regulate your sleep.

Oh but they try. Making everything so expensive that we have to work all the time, waking up early and going to bed late, is nothing more than an attempt to control our sleep. Still though, there is no direct route they can take to regulate it.

Why is sleep so threatening? Think of this: if you had to choose between supporting the current government and being able to sleep which would you choose? See?

Also, sleep keeps me from contributing to money transfers that are essential to funding our current society.

For example:

1. When I'm sleeping I'm not eating. So I'm dieting without the aid of diet programs, pills, or professionals.

2. I age slower because I'm conscious less often. Hence I'm not getting plastic surgery or buying anti-aging products.

3. It brings me closer to my dream of dying peacefully in my sleep (let me explain the logic here: if you want to die in a clown suit wear the clown suit a lot). If I die peacefully in my sleep they're going to miss out on all the money I'd have to spend on doctors, medicine and hospitalization.

You see, when I sleep I don't just do it for my own benefit, I do it for Freedom. Feel free to thank me between 12 and 3p.m., when I'm awake.

BSG Lifestlye

All those days I spent awake, slaving away in an office, produced hardly more than some well filed papers. But these days, when I wake up around 11:30, never leave the house, and nap from about 3 until my husband gets home to take me out to dinner, have produced invaluable creations and discoveries that are a benefit to all of humanity.

For instance, once when I was really hungry and all I had in the house was potatoes, but I was too lazy to go to the store and too hungry to wait the time it takes to boil a potato, I invented the recipe for Quick Potatoes, and here I give it to you for free:

1. Put the potatoes in water.
2. Boil them until you can't stand it anymore.
3. Take them out of the water and cut off any part of the potato that has cooked.
4. Eat 'em up.

Also, my laziness has directly contributed to exciting innovations in the area of new cocktail recipes. Because I don't really leave the house, I'm usually short on mixers. Though I always somehow seem to have vodka around. So recently when guests stopped by and all I had on hand, besides vodka, was Lipton's canned iced tea, I broke through the conventions of cocktails that have come before and invented a new drink called the "Trailer Trash Toddy". That the drink sucked only added to the authenticity of my invention because one of the guests confirmed that living in a trailer also sucked. And, yet another time, I discovered that if you don't have Lipton's canned iced tea on hand, Mountain Dew and vodka sucks too.

But I would have to say that my regularly bad-mouthed lifestyle has contributed most to humanity in the area of safety. Because of my courage to follow a less common path, we all now know that if you're out of shaving cream, and are too lazy to go to the store, you should NOT try to shave your legs with sex lube. It sounds like a perfectly good idea, but it isn't. The razor burn is severe and it turns into a thick scab that prevents you from wearing skirts or shorts for weeks.

So next time you catch yourself looking down on the lazy, stop and be thankful that some of us are brave enough to move beyond the lemming's path of false productivity.